Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Ebola. Probably.

ALLIE BROSH

Originally published on 2/10/10 on Hyperbole and a Half

I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos. 

Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn’t have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain:

You’ve probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0: Haha!  I’m not wearing any pants!

2: Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4: Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6: I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I’m bored.

8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10:You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying!

None of that is medically useful and it doesn’t even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0: Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don’t know why I’m even here.

1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2: I probably just need a Band Aid.

3: This is distressing.  I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.

4: My pain is not fucking around.

5: Why is this happening to me??

6: Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.

8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

9: I am almost definitely dying.

10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

Allie Brosh writes at Hyperbole and a Half.

This entry was posted in Consumerism, General, Medical Management, Special and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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